I know I'm not alone when I say I am tired of this pressure to wear masks. They are uncomfortable and moist and I've learned my breath is not as fresh as I naively assumed. I'm tired of not being able to smile at each other and feel the fresh air on my face when I walk down a street filled with other people.
And for what are we inconveniencing ourselves in this way? To slow down the spread of a disease? That makes about as much sense as washing our hands after using the restroom, or changing cutting boards after cutting raw chicken.
We've seen noble protests against mild inconvenience in the face of a public health crisis before. Look at Mary Mallon! When doctors accused her of being an asymptomatic carrier of Salmonella Typhi, she refused to believe them. She felt fine! She didn’t know what germs were, or believe that hand washing would cut down on the fecal-oral transmission of the disease she didn’t believe she had. She never exhibited any symptoms, so it clearly wasn’t her fault that people were falling ill and dying everywhere she worked as a cook. Why should she believe the people collecting data and studying the disease?
As Typhoid Mary will attest — our personal freedoms and opinions give us permission to endanger other peoples’ lives and spread disease. Why stop there, though? Stop living in fear, by using bike helmets and seatbelts! Think of how much time we could save if we stopped washing our hands and dishes. See? Now you’re thinking like the anti-masktivists storming government buildings with guns because they can’t get a haircut. After all — in the year 2020, there’s nothing more oppressive than faded highlights.